Lesson Seven
I never thought I’d have to explain this. Apparently, I was wrong. This scares me.
This is a no-brainer, people. Hear is a verb, an action word, meaning to perceive a sound by the ear, to listen, to learn by hearing. For those of us fortunate to have the ability to hear, there are many things we’re capable of: for instance, right now, as I’m writing this at 1:30 in the morning, I can hear the sound of crickets chirping out my window, as well as cars passing by, the grunting snores of my dog, the soft music of Andrea Bocelli and the clack-clack-clack of the keys under my fingertips. When I wake up, it’s to the sound of my alarm clock blaring cell phone tunes, whichever one will get me to wake up on time (which is none, to be honest). Hear is also used in the forms of hears, hearing and heard, and just so you know: the words ‘HEARED’ and ‘HEARDED’ do not exist!
Ex. 1: “Do you hear that?” Sam cut off Amy’s retort as he strained to listen in the quiet. Amy froze, struggling to hear, as well. “There! Did you hear that?” Sam whispered, turning to confirm it with Amy. Scritch-scritch-scratch. “Definitely heard it that time. C’mon: let’s check it out.”
And naturally, ten seconds later, they were chased and eaten by some dark creature. Go figure.
Ex. 2: I dread hearing the sound of squealing tires, as it usually alludes to an accident.
Here is mostly used in its adverb and noun form to mean at this point, or at this time, or in this place, or at present, indicating a location or to describe an idiom. It’s relatively easy to remember, because it’s used all of the time: here and there, here and now, here we go, here’s to the night, heretofore, here today, gone tomorrow.... For example, right now I’m in my room, annoyed by the irksome crackling of some As Seen on TV contraption that my dad bought (as usual) on a whim. We’re he not present at this time, this waste of space would be used as an electronic chew toy.
Ex. 3: “Come here.” He didn’t budge. “I said, come here,” Ryan’s dad hissed, pointing his finger at the spot right in front of him. Ryan swallowed thickly, knowing he was definitely in deep trouble.
Ex. 4: Found on an epitaph in Moultrie, Georgia:
Here lies the father of 29.
He would have had more
But he didn't have time.
And lastly, hair. Honestly ladies and gents, it’s not that hard. Even if you don’t have any on your head or anywhere on your body (and please don’t e-mail me describing any hairy or hairless body parts; don’t give me a reason to gag every time I think of the site), you know what it is. Science uses big words to describe it like ‘keratinous’ and ‘filamentous outgrowth’ and ‘an aggregate of filaments forming the coat of most mammals’. But whether it is fine/frizzy/long/short/wavy/straight/dark/light/in between, its main function is to be kept out of a five-year-old boy’s reach. Don’t think I’ve forgotten about first grade, you vindictive, tormenting, psychotic, sugar-rushed Y-chromosomes. (Rapunzel, Rapunzel: if he’s still tugging on your flaxen locks, he obviously hasn’t hit puberty yet.)
Hear, here, and hair: sound, place, the fancy of five-year-olds. Also, don’t confuse any of these with hare, the floppy-eared, long legged creature that I consider a fairly evolved form of wabbit—er, rabbit (no, they don’t chew carrots and create highly complex schemes and billion dollar cartoons and talk like regular bunnies do). I now give you permission to use them wisely. Wisely.
